Thursday, May 07, 2009

Mormon Twitter Time

OK - I have a new blog segment I would like to do every once in a while. It will be called "Mormon Twitter Time". Essentially I will track twitter for an hour the night I am going to do the post. I will search for any twitter anyone has put out that has the word "mormon" or "lds" in it. I will copy each tweet exactly as it was sent without any spelling corrections and I will also include the corresponding tweeter's name. I will not include any tweets that include expletives, are critical of the leaders of the church or link to an online story. Even in just this one hour tonight there were over 30 tweets. I think this segment adds a interesting look into what people around the globe are saying about their perception and experience with the church. Posts are sometimes funny, sometimes serious and often very random yet entertaining. If you like this blog post and would like me to continue this every once in a while let me know.

Tweets collected on 5/7/09 from 8-9 PM

“dr asked if I heard voices.. "do I hear voices?? I hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Sweet Chariot" but nothing dangerous” –memphis11

“Wow, Mormon's have concerts? Rock on!” –ShineAHolic

“Three pairs of Mormon boys on the bus from the doctor's today. But none of them were cute. i has a sad.” – notsteinbeck

“Just saw cute Mormon boys knocking on doors down the road. I wonder how long it'll take them to get to my house. I have questions for them.” – spoonerist

“Just had to tell mormon missionaries they couldnt try to convert people in my cafe poor babies out in this heat” – sneakysena

“Having a hilarious time with Rachelle trying to avoid the Mormon missionaries.” -StevennotSteve

“amanda and i are on a mission: to see if Kellan Lutz is in fact, Mormon :)” – cambam19

“Guy across from me on train is reading an orson scott card novel and wearing a ctr ring. Think he might be mormon?” –zenroxie

“maybe i should become mormon?” -DrewMullen

“well my dble date slash blind date went well i just wish he was Mormon like me then my parents will like him” –hokisgurl

“mormon softball!” –maddbass

“Here's a first: mistaken for a Mormon. Maybe my attempts at librarian chic are somewhat missing the mark.” –jamiealyse

“WOW, just had some Mormon's come trying to 'tell' me a good word about the Lord...In West Oakland...WOW!!” –itsmeyv

“Nice... Mormon commercials during Grey's Anatomy. "Call this number or talk to your Mormon neighbor" it tells me.” –BigTrey

“if his mormon conscience doesn't get him then we can beat him up :)” –Jordanelyse

“"What's wrong with looking like a Mormon?" -Jim Gaffigan” –dwataylor

“I've only been called out once. Have two stories. 1 vile; 1 Mormon. Pick.” –beauche

“She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives.” –tessanoodles

“Plane from SLC to SF full of young LDS missionaries. Clean cut, black suits, very polite. Always admire their dedication & calm demeaner –L” –canyonrat

“LDS founders Joseph Smith and Brigham Young posthumously inducted into The Village People:” –selectiveecho

“Polynesian Cultural Center today. It's a great place to visit, but you realize it's what would happen if the LDS Church bought Disney Land” –LycanDID

“I more thing I tell you about me is that I am LDS and out of Orem Utah and looking for a good LADY to go on a date ...” –UtahStinson

“Ward Volleyball Rules Email: "Trash talking the other team is permitted, based on either age, ability, church calling, or bicep size."” –zholmquist

“Every time you kick “Mormonism” you kick it upstairs; you never kick it downstairs. The Lord Almighty so orders it.” –brotherbrigham

“Church of LDS Elder Warns That Satan Lives in the Interwebs” –EtymologyFreak

“Headed to a LDS Discussion, soon. I think today is the day I decide to get Baptised, or, not to. Thoughts?” –wattwood

“Just had a great, honest conversation with aN LDS Missionary at the farmers market on how the LGBT comm. should be their greatest allies.” –WillyMac4

“Think i was just stuck in an elevator with a group of LDS newlyweds on a joint honeymoon.” callgal1117

“Thank you lds! I enjoyed my dessert made from food saved in the event of a natural, financial or biblical disaster.” –kimstoilis

“If I had a nickel for every young, helpful LDS guide/waitress/clerk I've unnerved on this trip by asking for directions to alcohol...” –lyzadanger

“Julie's wild night out before She's married! At the LDS night club... This should be fun?” -carleighjo

Monday, March 16, 2009

I'm Begging You to Eat

When little children first appeared in our lives we started out with such great intentions, cook a nice dinner, have the kids sit down and eat and politely ask for more when they are done.
Dinner time has now been officially reduced to an hour of me begging kids to eat.

Dinner usually starts out with Kelly and I using every ounce of manipulation to convince the girls that what is being made is so fun and delicious. To accomplish this you usually have to trick the kids by repeating things like "Mmmm you girls are going to love these mini corn dogs-Snow White loves to eat these with all of her woodland friends". "These are Ariel's favorite fish sticks and she says all real princesses eat at least 5". etc. etc.

The girls are excited and can't wait to sit down and eat their princess food. We sit the plate in front of them then somehow immediately after the prayer, a little switch has flipped in their little brains and their food is now essentially the equivalent of a poison apple from the witch in Snow White that cannot pass their lips at any costs.

Fast forward about 20 minutes and what started out as the best intentions has reduced me to being on my hands and knees begging a kid to take one more bite of the corn dog. I then start to bargain like its a hostage negotiation. First I promise a cookie if they take a bite- no deal, then I threaten no desert if they don't take a bite right now-no deal. Next I move on to promising being able to stay up later-no deal. Then I threaten they will go to bed right now if they don't take a bite-no deal. I offer to let them dip the corn dog in any thing they want-just take a bite, first I offer ketchup then ranch then nacho cheese, cool whip, hot fudge, etc- no deal.

Finally in a desperate state of desperation I start offering vacations- PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU- TAKE TWO MORE BITES OF YOUR MAC-N-CHEESE AND I WILL TAKE YOU TO DISNEYLAND-they counter with - one more bite-DEAL!!!

Repeat this each night. In total I now owe my kids trips to Disneyland, disneyworld, seaworld, legoland, six flags, universal studios. Cruises to Hawaii, Tahiti, Bahamas, Alaska and the Caribbean.

When you stop and think about it life is pretty much broken up into three stages of begging you about food.

The First section of your life is filled with someone begging you as a little kid to take another bite.

Next your life is filled with people begging you not to be a big fat glutton and not to go back for your third trip to the buffet and to slow down before you kill yourself.

Finally everything come fill circle and someone is again begging you to take one more sip of your "ensure" then you can go back to being an old cuss and wanting to die.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I Ate a Bag of Gummy Bears in Church

I admit it, I have been stuffing my suit coat pocket with all kinds of food right before I go to church. Sometime during the meeting I begin eating. Here is the thing-I don't just have a few nibbles of what I bring, I usually consume the entire portion that is sold at the store. Kelly and I are seperated by 2 kids on the bench and haven't sat next to each other in church for almost 5 years so I am not sure she even knows the extent to which I am eating during church. I do share with the girls (a little bit), however in the spirit of full disclosure I am declaring the things I have recently eaten at church. They include (in no particular order):

Yes they have to be the 4 fun fruit flavors - Don't you judge me, I still have a Body Mass Index of 22. Check your's before you open your BIG mouth.

A gummy center string with that sugary candy stuck to it. Mmmmmm. This is one of the more difficult foods to eat without being detected because of it's delicious length.

A Chewy Spree for Me everytime someone falls asleep on the stand.

Nothing brings in the Pioneer spirit like some Beef Jerky.

Is it a Candy? Where Did I Come From? Is it a Mint? Where am I going? - Many questions to ponder during the meeting.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Better have some baby wipes handy because you will have sticky fingers after downing this tasty treat.

The only Ho's for Church.
3 Ho's to a pack- one for each hour of church!

Monday, December 08, 2008


I have got to tell you that I am really disappointed in my 6 year old Hailey. She came home a few weeks ago and tells Kelly and I the bad news from school - She has been chosen as Student of the Month. I immediately had to turn away, bite my tongue, swallow hard and mumble out an unenthusiastic - "congratulations".

Now you may ask yourself what my problem is? I will tell you.
I had a streak going of almost 31 years and 18 grades of NEVER (no not once) ever being chosen as Student of the Month. It was a streak I was proud of and wore like a badge of Honor.

Now don't get me wrong- I never expected the streak to continue in perpetuity through my children's entire scholastic careers but COME ON. Did the kid have to break the family streak in Month 2 of Kindergarten? She couldn't have waited till 2nd or 3rd grade? If I didn't know any better I would say she did it on purpose just to make me mad.

Oh well- next time I catch her reading a book I will demand she put it down and go watch TV. I am not paying a television bill so that she can read a free book. Kids these days-Come On.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Are You Really That Cheap?

It never ceases to amaze me how cheap people are and how much complaining there is every time the U.S. Postal Service decides to raise the price of a stamp. I hope that none of you make the horrible mistake of heading to the stamp vending machine with your .41¢ in exact change only to be horrified that on May 12, 2008 the price was raised to .42¢. That could send you over the edge, like so many other right?
Come on kids - Stop and really think about this for a second. Somebody comes to my house in Arizona, picks up a letter I wrote and takes it to across the country to the door of my friend Aaron Taye's house in Washington D.C in only a couple of days. I should be outraged that I had to give this criminal .42¢ for this service right? I know, I know, its over a 2.4% increase from last year. Relax - I could hardly muster the energy to reach into my couch cushion to rescue the .50¢ that fell between the couch cushion this evening.

The only time you will hear me complain is if the price of ink goes so high that we don't see any new Tramp Stamps around!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Are you First Place on Google?

So I am sure everyone has googled their name right? Well being a public sector lobbyist there is plenty of things on Google about me from committee hearings to newspaper articles. The thing that bugs me most when I perform this ritual is that I am not the #1 Brent Stoddard on Google. The current leader of that is the "Brent Stoddard" of the VAPS - what's that you ask? Well if he is so famous you should know right? Wrong. He is a member of the Video Arcade Preservation Society. I would give you the link to his VAPS profile but you would inevitably click on it and by doing so add more clicks for him further justifying his top position on the Google charts. This is simply unacceptable. It may take me 20 years but eventually I will be the number one B.S. on Google - you heard it here first.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Turning 30 and Old Friends

Turning 30 years old has hit me harder than I could have ever imagined it would emotionally and physically. I think it has to do with the realization that the girls are growing older each and every day and before I know it they are going to be grown up. Perhaps it could also be the constant reminder when I try anything athletic it now takes 2 days to recover. Some of it could be the fact that whenever I talk about my mission my own mind represents the stories like they were only a couple of years ago when in fact it was 10 years ago. Whatever the reason, turning 30 has caused me to pause and think more about life and how quickly it passes by than I would honestly care to do.

Recently I slipped into one of these moments of contemplation while I was cleaning out the office. I was shifting around some old box of photographs and moving around some High School yearbooks while a Dave Matthews Band cd "Crash" was playing on the computer. About 10 minutes into my little trip down memory lane, my wife walks in and asks in a pretty snotty tone, "What, are you getting all sentimental now?" I brazenly told her, "Yes I am".

I have never been a real sentimental guy, but I guess even that is starting to catch up with me. I have made it my "rest of the year project" to try to get in touch with some of my old friends who I have either lost contact with or through my own overwhelming laziness, have failed to communicate often enough to make it worth it. This blog better be able to help me.